Crescendo
by starsanddreamers
Summary: "In case you didn't know, dead people don't bleed. If you can bleed-see it, feel it-then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder." AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is our first fanfic together so we hope you enjoy it. Please leave a review as it encourages us to write more! Thanks and enjoy!**

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_"It's not perfect here between us_

_Even angels have their demons_

_Trapped inside this twisted circle It ain't right but it's eternal"_

One, two, three...

A paper turned into ashes...

Memory slowly turned into a flight of fancy...

I crumpled a photograph I found in my room. A photograph of me and the person that I loved — _used to love _— and one by one the feeling slowly faded away. His big arm attached to my shoulders, hugging me from his left side. His silly grin made him look younger, let's say about 2 years younger than he actually was. My head rested on his chest and I had never smiled that wide since a long time ago. Finn Hudson was the only person who could make me feel special day by day, but since we'd lost our path we never saw each other anymore. He told me to take a train to New York, but only God knew which destination he took after graduation.

I tried to phone him once or twice a day the first time I arrived in New York. _He didn't answer. _I called Mrs. Hudson-Hummel to know how was Finn doing, but she didn't tell me. Every time I asked about Finn's existence, it seemed like everyone was against me — _even Kurt._

_"Rachel,"_

I was flipping through pages of Kurt Hummel's Vogue magazine collection when he walked out of his room, dragging along a pack of suitcase. He told me about a week ago that he was going to Lima to pay a visit for his dad before he could decide which way he would go to in New York. I wish I could help him to get into NYADA like I did, but the faith had spoken and I had no rights to change it somehow. We started freshman year together, ended senior year with one same dream; to get into the most prestigious dramatic arts school in New York _— scratch that — _in the United States.

I closed the magazine and put it away. I looked at Kurt for awhile, oh God his greenish eyes reflected the urge to tell his dad about his adventure so far in the City and some parts still reflected the sadness of leaving for a week. "I'm ready to go," he said "Is it okay if I leave you for awhile?" I got off the couch and ran to Kurt for a hug. We hugged, we always shared hugs in any form of expression — happy, sad, even the kind of indescribable feeling we had after watching one of Barbra Streisand's classic. I could tell this one was a happy hug — happy because Kurt got to reunite with Mr. Hummel after his dad sent him away to chase his dream. I could imagine both of them, including Mrs. Hudson-Hummel, were sitting in a living room, eating finger food or sipping teas while listening Kurt's story about how he walked on the Times Square or how his amazing fashion style invaded the streets of New York City. I wish I could imagine Finn was beside them, but another part of me refused to believe it that way, instead it gave me visions of Finn going nowhere in summer rain.

I was still hugging Kurt when I whispered in his ear slowly, "If you saw Finn, could you tell him that I miss him?" That was the only message for Finn that I could come up with. I wish it could be more than that, but my brain was too numb to utter something else. At least, getting the answer that I needed could make me feel better. Kurt took his hands off my back and grasped me by my shoulders. He just smiled, he didn't give me the certainty I was dying to get. The smile could mean anything; it was between "I'll tell him because he's in Lima, having a vacation before going back to Los Angeles, pursuing his acting career." Or "I don't think he will be there, sweetie, but let the destiny decide." I was confused, but I tried. I'd tried to get in touch with the love of my life and probably the world didn't want me to, but I still wanted to try to talk to him, meet him in person, touch his face, give him a kiss I'd been dying to land on his lips.

•••••

So, Kurt had gone to Lima. He took the morning train, so he could be there immediately. And I was inside my apartment, alone, conflicted and lost roads. I wish I could do something else, other than gathering old photographs and throw them to the fireplace. It wouldn't get better, _it just got worse and worse. _School had been rough for me too, especially when Cassandra July always had 1001 attempts to kick me down the stairs during her dancing class. I wish I had something that could get my mind off reality and just lived in the world I wanted to live in. I've always wanted to be on Broadway, acting and singing songs I had been listening to since I was 3, but suddenly all those crazy judgements and back stabbing always drew me a big brick wall between my dreams — and all I need was a big axe to smash and turn it to rocks and dust.

_Burn it._

So, I did. I burned those pictures that I kept inside a glittering pink box. I burned the photo in which two lovebirds had a great time at the Six Flags, I burned the photo when we had our victory kiss after our Nationals winning, I burned pretty much everything. I still had the copy in Lima, though, but I didn't think I wanted to look at those photos — those _past _memories — in my future. I watched as those photos turned to brown and had no ability to maintain its original form, slowly turned to ashes. I could feel the fire burning in my eyes, that was my anger, that was the rage I couldn't let out, that was the feeling I had been holding because I was afraid people would see 'the sweet and adorable Rachel Berry' no more. I didn't want to hold it anymore.

Do you ever have one thing that always follows you no matter what and affects you in doing something out of your will? It's called the _demons _and my only demon is my _conscience. _It started right after I stepped onto New York. The depression and ambition demanded me to work everything perfectly. And when I didn't, I fell down. _Hard. _I stumbled and I cried. And to let everything go, I followed my conscience. The sadder I felt, the louder it got. It got louder and louder, as the crescendo marked in every note on my symphony of thoughts. And the sound won, so I had nothing to do but to follow it. But after I did, I always regretted it, _and did it again, and regretted again._

I went to the kitchen. My legs didn't want to walk, but my brain told me so, and it had the control of my feet after all.

_Take the knife._

So, I did. I took the knife. But to be honest, I didn't know what I'd do with my knife. I still wanted to live, though, I had a thousand years to face. My soul was eternity and I still had many things that I hadn't explored.

I closed my eyes, slowly I sliced the tip of the knife on my wrist as if I sliced my problems away. It felt good, it felt like I had the freedom in my hands. As I kept cutting myself, I could feel blood bursting out of the scars. Tears streamed down my face, I wish I could stop but the Voice had the control of me.

_Let everything go, let your problems faded away and you'll be alright._

It wasn't alright. Nothing was alright. I cried every time Kurt grabbed my wrists full of cuts and bruises and wounds and I knelt down because I couldn't explain it to him. I knew he was my best friend, but I had no ability to tell him what I suffered.

I regretted my attempt faster than I ever did. And when it ended, I cried until I slept — even on the kitchen floor.

•••••

It was Saturday, a day after Kurt went to Lima. I still felt the pain on my wrists, but I shook it off. Since I had nothing to do today, I thought maybe I could explore a little glimpse of New York by walking on Central Park. Loneliness was never the problem when I stood at the park, I was obviously surrounded by thousands of people. I could feel the wind breeze flew my hair and almost took my beret away. I closed my eyes and felt the peace I never got. I could feel the tranquility rushing through my veins. And when I opened those eyes, I could see children running along on my sides, as if they were angels playing on paradise. I should've felt this way since a long time ago, but I never guts to experience one. Then, I continued my way through the park.

I saw a group of orchestra playing at the park. They serenaded every romantic couple that passed them, making sure it was the best day those couples ever had. If I could take Finn here, he would be so happy that we'd kiss under the rain while having the orchestra playing our ballad song.

When the orchestra played "Faithfully", I almost died of a heart attack. It was the duet Finn and I had in Regionals back in '10. The song was included in our Journey medley, which led us to the third place. It was a shame, since we had to repeat the competition all over again, but one of the most unforgettable moment we had before singing that ballad was the time when we had our little conversation.

"Break a leg."

"I love you."

_Those three words he said, _recreating that moment in my head always gave me chills. I wish it could last forever, but we got to move on and continue life.

Thank God the Voice didn't come this morning, or else I'd go maniac in a public place, which could lead me to jail or a mental institution. But what I saw right before the end of the symphony was even more surprising than the song itself. It was far beyond my imagination and common sense. I thought it was a dream, but the pain on my feet gave me a taste of reality.

_He was there..._

_By the end of Bow Bridge, wearing the tux and holding a bouquet..._

Then, I remembered the smile Kurt gave me — and I thought he planned all of this — was meant to be, _I don't think he will be there, sweetie, but the destiny has decided that he'll be here with you..._

•••••


	2. Chapter 2

**Just a warning for this story because it contains self-harm and mentions of depression and disorders. But anyway enjoy.**

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I shut my eyes, attempting to get rid of the image of my ex-boyfriend stood at the end of the bridge, before opening them again but he was still there.

_This can't be true…_

I was confused. Why would he be here? Unless Kurt did actually plan it, but why? I noticed his smile was becoming more of a frown as I just stood there but my feet wouldn't move. I was hurt and I certainly wasn't expecting this. I took a step back and looked around, expecting some sort of camera crew to come out and say _got'cha _but I could tell that certainly wasn't happening. I couldn't believe what was happening…

_You need to leave, you're just going to hurt him if you stay._

It was those voices again inside my head, they never went. I didn't know what to do. I could see him walking towards me but what would I say? What would I do? I needed to leave, so I ran. Faster than I have ever probably ran before, I ran and ran and ran. I could feel my insides burning but I needed to get away from there. My legs were becoming weaker and I could taste blood in my mouth. I had to stop, to throw up. As I threw up all I could think of is how much of a disappointment I am.

•••••

It was about 10 o'clock when I arrived home, I had been sat on a park for a while, just sat there staring at nothing. I needed to get the dirt of me, I felt disgusting. I looked over the counter top and saw the knife there, it was glistening in the moonlight that was shining through the window. It was almost like a sign for me to take it and use it. I walked over and picked it up.

_You deserve this, you just left Finn standing there. Alone._

I shook my head as a tear fell and carefully sliced it against my wrist, the pain was nice and the tiniest smile appeared as the blood dripped to the floor. I'd clean that up later. I slowly walked into the shower and put it on the warmest temperature as the dirt was washed away.

•••••

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her standing there. I was in utter shock, not at the fact that she was there. The fact that it looked nothing like the Rachel I once knew. Her eyes had bags around them, her hair was a darker colour, her face was pale and her bones were more visible now. She was dressed in all black and all I could think about was holding her and comforting her, but I couldn't. I had it all planned out, I was going to recreate our first date but now… now I don't even understand who she is.

I wanted to see her, I NEEDED to see her. As she ran away I started to follow her but completely lost her as she blended into the streets of New York.

_You're just going to let her go?_

I shook my head, I was determined not to let her go this time so I went to her apartment (Kurt gave me the address) and knocked but nothing happened, she wasn't in. I sighed and went back onto the streets, I would come again later.

•••••

I sighed as I bandaged my wrist up and pulled my jumper over my head. The cut was quite deep this time but still, who cares? Maybe it's for the better. I could feel myself getting tired and I wanted to sleep but I knew I wouldn't be able to. It was a regular pattern for me now. I shook my thoughts away and lay down when a knock came on the door, I frowned. Who would that be? I shrugged and got up walking over to the large door before pulling it open. I paled at the person stood there.

_Finn._

How did he know where I was? Oh wait, Kurt. I looked at him up close. He had more stubble on his face and he had lost a bit of weight, he looked so handsome but he was the same person to me. I could see the worry and relief in his eye and swallowed.

"Hi." I didn't realise he said anything until he waved his hand in front of my face.

"H-hi." The atmosphere was tense and I gulped.

"Can I come in?" I bit my lip before nodding softly and watched as he walked into the room. He was no longer in a tux but a shirt and jeans. Shutting the door I turned and looked at him.

"Wow. You have really changed." I frowned, did I look bad? I knew I shouldn't of ate that dinner. He noticed my frown and I saw him swallow. "I meant like… you've matured a lot." I nodded and looked down, not really paying attention.

"Why are you here?" I whispered and he looked shocked that I had spoken before he sighed. "I missed you Rach. A lot. I can't stop thinking about you and Kurt said that you needed help-"I interrupted him.

"Need help? What?" I said quietly looking at him with a worried expression on my face. He sighed and shuffled on his feet.

"Rach, Kurt said that you have been struggling for a while now." I frowned and paled. This wasn't happening right?

_Don't let him noticed. Say you're okay and that it's nothing._

The voices were back and I shook my head. "I'm fine, I have just been stressed." Finn didn't look convinced but he nodded anyway. I bit my lip and crossed my arms.

"Urm. Kurt said I could stay here and…" He trailed off and I knew what he was going to say. I became angry.

"Look after me? I don't fucking need to be looked after okay. Stay here, whatever just don't talk to me!" I said loudly before going into my bit and shutting the curtain, laying down on the bed. Tears fell down my face, how had everyone noticed? No one was supposed to.

_You're such a failure. You little weak thing._

I screamed into my pillow at the voices and shook my head, sobbing as quietly as possible. I didn't want Finn to see me like this. How Pathetic.

•••••

I could hear her from the couch. It broke my heart to hear her like this. I thought she would have been fine but she's just so… broken. I sighed and got out my phone calling my brother.

"Hi Finn, how is everything?" I could hear Kurt's worried tone.

"Dude, she's broken. I have never seen someone this hurt. What's happened?" I heard Kurt sigh.

"I don't know Finn. I really don't know."

•••••


	3. Chapter 3

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I let Rachel sleep alone and took her time whenever she wanted until things got better. _But, I wanted things to be better immediately. _First time I landed in New York after spending months in military training, I thought 'This is what I've been waiting for; this is my opportunity to see my love again'. I imagined the smile on Rachel's face when she greeted me by the door, wide eyes, and looked like the angel she usually be. I couldn't stop thinking about the sundress she was going to wear, or the neon socks she would put on. But now, things had fallen – and it fell _very hard._

I woke up earlier than usual because I wanted to give something to Rachel – _a surprise_. The last time I surprised her was a train to New York and her face gave me the happiest and saddest expression at once. Now, I kept wondering what kind of facial expression Rachel would give me as I buttered the morning toast full of anticipation.

I peeked from behind the curtain, the partition that kept as apart for the night. Rachel was still sleeping peacefully, her eyes were shut and she hid her beautiful body under the comforter. I smiled, Rachel looked so angelic when she slept. Her vulnerable side, the fragility, and the innocence aura surrounded her pretty soul. But yesterday, the angel I hope would be here was gone.

I could see the glimpse of sunlight blurring under the curtain. The morning had come and I had to wake Rachel up so she could see the surprise I had in my hand…

•••••

"Rachel…"

I could feel Finn's caress on my arm. My body shivered and I had chills just hearing him calling my name. It had been a long time since he called my name, his voice was a symphony to my ear.

_Don't wake up._

I wanted to open my eyes, but my brain didn't seem to agree with my order. My eyelids stuck and all I could hear now was Finn's voice under the cruelty of the Voice. _Don't listen to it, don't listen to it, _I kept saying to myself, but my conscience was way more powerful than anything. Now that my inside voice could talk whenever it wanted, I felt like it was mine anymore.

_Open your eyes and you'll be in misery forever._

I wish I could close my eyes forever and lived through the world inside my head. The world with peace, less depression, where I was the main act and everyone was the supporting role. I owned the flick in my mind, but never owned the life I was going through. I took a deep breath, letting Finn know that I was here and could listen to his voice, but I didn't have the power to fight against my _demon._

"Rachel, I got something for you."

The voice was getting nearer to my ear, as if Finn's face was reaching my neck and… it was true, I could feel Finn's breath on me, searching for a pleasure spot to kiss me. I didn't want it to be this way, I didn't want Finn to seduce me like this. I didn't even know him anymore. I pushed Finn's face aside, left a red mark on his cheek and stayed far away from his reach. _God, what was I doing? Did I scare him? Oh God, I should've not done that, that was totally wrong. _Finn's face looked very disappointed it made me want to cry. I didn't mean to upset him, but I wasn't ready for what he was going to do to me.

Finn's sad face all of the sudden turned into a faint smile.

"Good morning, I got something for you."

He took a tray filled with breakfast food by the bedside table. I didn't know when he put the tray there, probably a minute before I woke up. I was silent, I couldn't say a word. I wanted to, but I couldn't blurt it out because my mouth was mentally sealed. I wanted to scream, I wanted to scream the hell out. I've held the words I wanted to say for too long and it sickened me. The pain was unbearable and my mood was uncontrollable. The only man I loved and cared was standing right in front of me, but I couldn't even express my feelings for him.

A toast and a glass of milk were on top of the tray. I guess those two menus were the only ones left inside the fridge. _I couldn't believe he made it for me. _Finn was kind, too kind. He didn't deserve all the treatments I gave him. It was wrong and unfair, and I was being a really bad person. _I'm sorry, Finn _– only if I could brave enough to say it.

"It looks like you haven't eaten since I got here, so I made you breakfast," Finn said, reflecting his famous smirk at me, "It's nothing, I sort of messed up the bread, but it's all good now. If you want to eat outside, I'll take you to Sardi's if you want to."

Lord, how much sacrifice Finn had given to me – flying to New York, leaving his dream behind – just to be here with me, and I didn't have the guts to say a word to him.

_Great job, bitch, you just turned him down._

_Finn never deserves you and neither do you._

_You just made yourself a worthless human being._

STOP, STOP, STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. What's with the Voice? What's all this? Karma? Vengeance to my own soul? It made me feel the worst and nothing could bring the best of me again. It broke my heart to think Finn would find someone better, or the fact that I was no longer had the ability to be the old Rachel berry who kept her reason to move to New York. _I stared at Finn's brown eyes, just stared at him as I tried to connect the constellation gleaming in his eyes. _I didn't say a word, but our souls seemed to synchronize with each other. Finn's eyes got calmer as he locked his sight on me while he tried to cut the bread into small pieces.

"I see you don't want to eat it yourself, so thing probably could help." He shoved the fork into my mouth gently as I consumed the toast he made me.

We ate for about 10 minutes until the food left no trace – not even a conversation. The ache and urge to speak were burning inside me. I realized that the only way to fight against the Demon was to use the most powerful weapon; my voice.

"Finn," that was my first word and like a newborn baby, his fatherly smile painted on my face.

I laid my head on the headboard and Finn sat beside me. I didn't take any defensive move, I just wanted to be close to Finn now. Finn seemed to be enthusiastic to welcome my next sentence,

"_I'm lost. I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm scared, I-I'm scared of what the future might be and I-I'm scared to live it alone."_

My eyes were burning as if I was about to cry, but I tried as hard as I could not to cry in front of Finn Hudson.

"Shshshsh, don't say that," Finn hushed me "You're Rachel Berry, you're never scared of anything."

What? what am I, some kind of a warrior? A soldier? I probably was a soldier who fought with my own self, if that was what Finn talking about.

"Can't Rachel Berry be scared? Can she not be strong sometimes? Can she show it to anyone, because the last time I checked that means I won't lie to anybody about me. _I'm a human being, Finn, I have sins and I should be scared of what will happen in return._" Finn furrowed his eyebrows, confused.

"My presence seems to disturb you. If you don't want me to be here, it's okay. I'll just go back and never bother you again, I'm sorry, Rach."

NONONONO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! Finn, please stay. I just wanted you to stay with me, soothed me from the lost and be the guiding light you always were. I wanted Finn to hug me and kiss me just like the old times, but this time there was no old Rachel. As Finn was about to leave, I pulled his hand.

I say, "I should be the one who is sorry for _not telling you the truth. But this time, I'm ready."_

_I told Finn everything._ I told him about the voices, I told him about the pain I was hiding. He cried and so did I. He kept begging me to stop because he couldn't take it anymore.

"Rachel, please stop, this is wrong, this isn't you, and you would never do that."

"But that's the truth and you have to believe me. Do you ever feel like you have another creature possessing your own body and takes control of your soul? Unlike ghosts, it doesn't only claim the body as its but it takes away your sanity, making people believe that you're a mad man. _I am no mad man, Finn, _you know that. The real me is lost and you're the _only_ one who can safe it."

I grabbed Finn's hand and pressed it on my chest, so he could feel my beating heart. Dum, dum, dum, it beat faster than ever, but the warmness of his hand could calm it down. I closed my eyes, trying to absorb the comfort Finn was transferring to me. I finally could feel the love again and Finn's cry stopped.

It lasted for a minute, until I let Finn's hand go – _surprisingly, he didn't let my hand go. _He traced the scars on my wrist and he unveiled the sleeves of my night gown. He saw the scars that I didn't want to show him. I was so stupid for doing those cuts. _God, when is it my turn to return to You?_

Finn was speechless, either because he didn't know what to say or he had no voice left. Finn pulled my wrists and kissed them softly. "Please stop doing this," Finn whispered "You know how it ends if it doesn't stop." I knew if I didn't stop this my name would only be written on top of my tombstone, "And that's why I _need you_, Finn. _I only need my guardian angel to be with me again like we used to._"

•••••


	4. Chapter 4

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I lay with my head against Finn's chest. It had been like this for about 2 weeks now and I was becoming closer and closer to him. I sighed and shook my head. What was I doing? Here he was running his hands through my hair and I was lay here like a pathetic little girl.

"Rach?" I snapped out my thoughts and was brought back to reality by Finns voice

"Yes?" He stopped running and sat up and I sat up looking at him.

"How are you?" I scrunched my eyes in confusion.

"What?" What the hell was he going on about?

"Well… we haven't spoken about your feelings and stuff so I was just wondering." He looked nervous and I raised my eyebrow.

"I'm fine."

_Liar._

Finn shook his head. "Rach I found a razor in the bin this morning with dry blood on it." I swallowed. He wasn't supposed to see that. No one was! And now it was all my fault and I was going to be a failure. I shook my head.

"You're going crazy." I said nervously. I could see him frown.

See, now you're making him frown. How selfish are you? You stupid idiot.

"I thought we were close again. I thought you could trust me." I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I felt tears brim. How could he ever like me?

"I do trust yo-" I was cut off by his angry voice.

"God dammit Rachel! I'm trying to be supportive and all you do is lie to me! How am I supposed to help if you won't even speak to me." His voice was raised and I rolled my eyes.

"Oh please, you don't care. No one does! I don't need help I am fine and you can go fuck yourself!" I shouted before storming off and out the front door. I started walking faster and faster and I could hear Finn shouting my name but I started to run. I needed to get out of here.

•••••

I kicked the chair and put my head in my hands, I shouldn't of let her go. I'm so stupid! I heard the door open and saw Kurt walk in with worry on his face.

"Finn?" He said softly putting his hand on my shoulder but I just shrugged it off. "What happened?"

"I messed up." I said softly and all I could think about was Rachel by herself, lonely as ever. I was such a bad… Friend? Boyfriend? Who knew what I meant to her. I heard Kurt sigh and sit next to me.

"Finn. You have been so supportive of her." Kurt said and I rolled my eyes. Yeah right.

"I just let her go." I shook my head and got up.

"Where are you going?" Kurt asked as I was walking out the door.

"To find Rachel." I said before slamming the door. I had to find her.

•••••

I looked down at the water as I sat on the Brooklyn bridge. It was so beautiful. All the boats passing by down the lazy stream, it was like paradise. Oh how that was such a lie. It was nowhere near paradise. Ii was living in a nightmare, it was the worst thing to experience. Look at my life? It's so god damn awful that even Finn couldn't give a fuck about it anymore. I sighed as I thought of our previous argument. I don't even know what's happening anymore with us, it's so damn complicated and I don't understand why he want someone like me? I mean look at me I have issues and I'm nowhere near perfect. I don't know how long he could cope for and I knew it would end badly.

I felt something sit next to me and I knew it was Finn.

"Hey." He said after a while.

I bit my lip and looked at him. "Hey." I said quietly before looking down.

"I'm sorry." I looked at him in disbelief. Why was he apologizing? It was all MY fault. Not his.

"Why are you sorry? Its all my fault, not yours." He shook his head.

"No it's not. I said I'd be here for you and thats what I'm going to do." I bit my lip and shrugged.

"Why? Look at me." Finn nodded and turned to look at me even more.

"Yes, look at you. You are the most beautiful, smart, talented, amazing woman I've ever met. You are perfect." He said and I hugged him tightly. How did I get so lucky?

"Thank you." I whispered into his shoulder and he stroked my hair in response.

"It's okay." He whispered in return and I smiled the faintest smile, in a while. He stood up and offered me his hand and I took it and we began to walk back to the apartment together.

•••••

We arrived back to see Kurt sat there and also... Santana?

"Santana?" Finn asked and we looked at each other in confusion.

"Berry, frankenteen." She smirked and I stood by her.

"What are you doing here?" She looked at them both before looking at Kurt.

Kurt swallowed. "Santana's moving in." He said and I went pale. He was kidding right. No way.

"What?" I asked in disbelief and Santana rolled her eyes.

"Berry, chill. I promise I wont cut your hair in your sleep." I raised an eyebrow and Santana shrugged.

"Okay..." I drifted off before shaking my head and going into the bathroom and locking the door. I turned on the shower and stepped inside and I let the water run down my body, mixing with my tears which were also running down my face. Today wasn't a good day for Rachel Berry.

•••••

I lay down on the bed when the curtain was pulled back and I came face to face with Santana. I gulped and sat up.

"Santana?" I asked and she shut the curtain and sat down next to me.

"Hey Berry. You okay?" I frowned in confusion and nodded slowly.

"Yes-"

"Cut the crap Berry. You've changed. I could tell the moment you walked in." I stood up and knew Finn and Kurt were listening.

"Santana, you know nothing." I argued and crossed my arms and Santana stood up.

"Rachel, I just want to help you. We're the only girls in this apartment, we're gonna have to stick together." I raised an eyebrow.

"Since when do you care about me? About any of us?" Santana looked guilty and nodded.

"I understand that but I want to be your friend." I looked at Santana's face and noticed that she was sincere. I sighed.

"I guess we could be friends." I said and she smiled.

"Good. Now come on, lets go out there. I'm pretty sure Finn's trying to listen anyway." I nodded and we walked out to see Finn and Kurt staring at us. I smiled softly at Finn and hugged him.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I think I'm going to be." He smiled and kissed my head softly.


	5. Chapter 5

Since Finn and Santana came to visit, they stayed in the loft with Kurt and me. First days were great, because it felt like glee club again, despite the fact that there were just the four of us. Kurt was so happy to finally meet Finn after months of not seeing each other and I...

_I wasn't sure with how I felt about Finn's presence here._

_And Santana, too._

Santana and I weren't very good friends, but somehow days before graduation she became so nice to me. Was it on purpose, or she realized that she had been a bitch all this time? I never knew, but it wasn't bad to return her kindness.

"I quit Louisville," Santana told me when she helped me doing dishes, "I guess I don't belong there." "But, you _are _a cheerleader, that scholarship belongs to you." I insisted. As I flew my napkin from one plate to another, I had a conversation with Santana about our lives. "The scholarship sure belongs to me, but the life isn't mine. _It won't feel like you're on a roller coaster ride unless you've passed those loops _— those _circles of life_. I'm trying to find _the _right place, the place I can actually fit in." Santana explained. I didn't know she could be that deep when it came to life. Then, a slight of question came to me, "How's Brittany?" Santana was silent. She didn't say anything. Was I wrong to ask her about her girlfriend's condition? Or, maybe Santana didn't want to discuss about Brittany at all? I should've not asked that to her.

_Stupid bitch. Great way to break a person's mood. Congratulations._

Those voices echoed in my ears. The source was invisible and its power was invincible. I wanted to stop, I wanted to make it to stop. But I didn't want to scare Santana with what was going on in me. Santana looked down and stopped doing whatever she was doing. I could hear her unstable breath and she couldn't help but crying silently. Santana buried her face to her palms, but that couldn't hide her grief from me. I went close to Santana and hugged her from the right side. _I'm sorry, Santana, I should've not asked you about Brittany, _I sucked my breath while trying to soothe Santana. She was still crying and I begged her to stop before anyone saw us. "If you don't want to tell me, it's fine, but, please, stop crying, okay?" I whispered to her ear. She nodded and we sat down by the dining table to calm things down.

I gave Santana a box of tissues to wipe her tears and as she wiped the water off her eyes, she uttered, "I'm sorry, I usually have sort of a breakdown every time people try to ask me about Britts. _How is she? How are you two going? _It always feels so distant whenever she's not with me and I just can't help it any longer. Our story has ended centuries ago and we somehow need to write our own separate stories,"

_They broke up, I didn't know it._

It must be really hard for Santana to break up with Brittany, because I know how painful long distance relationship was, especially when all you wanted to do was to be with someone you loved the whole time. _I had a tough time without Finn. _I thought I would never walk alone without him beside me, but I was so sure I could, until he came back and my knees were too weak to step on the road.

"Rach, I've always wanted to move to New York with Brittany after graduation, but realizing that we didn't even graduate at the same time hurts me. I can see both of us conquering Times Square, kissing by the Bow Bridge, buying a shoe-box apartment and living together. But the reality seems to work in an opposite way with the expectation." Santana continued. I listened to her words very carefully (I couldn't even believe I did that!). _The reality seems to work in an opposite way with the expectation, _those words tickled my spine. It was true and to be honest, I was feeling that way. I thought Finn would come to make things better, but I felt like everyday everything got worse and worse. And I bet Finn felt the same way; he wished he could meet the love of his life, sober thoughts and stable, but he only found the miserable side of me. I brushed the thoughts away, realizing that Santana was staring at me confusedly. "Berry, you okay? Do I need to call an exorcist for you?" Santana asked, _her old sarcastic self was annoying but the best at the same time. _I shook my head and smiled, "Nope, don't have to. You should get some rest, it's getting late. I'll finish everything." Santana sighed in relief as if she just let go the heaviest load she got. "Thank you for letting me stay here, I don't know where else to stay." Santana thanked me and I nodded. We hugged good night and before she disappeared into her new bedroom, Santana said to me, "And just so you know, if I here you and Finn moaning so loudly it can explode my head, I will sue you." _The old gold auntie Tana, _I crossed my arms on my chest and replied, "No, sugar, not tonight." I acted as if things were normal between Finn and I, that we still had our good ol' days together, even when we were not.

And then I remembered, I needed to check on Finn.

•••••

It was almost 12 at midnight, I was the only one who was wide awake in the loft. The lights in New York City were as bright as Orion constellation, the night couldn't stop the life by the heart of the town. After I finished the dishes, I went to the living room to see how was Finn doing. He was sleeping on the couch. He was breathing slowly and peacefully at once. I haven't talked to him since dinner, but I was sure he was concerned about me. He seemed cold and needed a comforter, so I took my off the bed and covered his gigantic body with the blanket. I sometimes thought it was hilarious a guy as tall and big as him could fall in love with a petite girl like me, but it was alright. _At least we'd experienced the times we were in love and the times we weren't. _I was not sure what kind of time this was, I was still figuring it out.

I'd done everything, but I felt something was missing. So, I took a piece of paper and a pen, then wrote down a message. I slipped it between his chest and the blanket, then kissed his forehead good night. Finally, I felt everything was complete and by the time Finn woke up, he'd read the note I gave him:

"_Thank you for making me feel loved every single day."_

•••••

I left early in the morning for NYADA. I couldn't miss the train and certainly, I couldn't miss the first period – _Ms. July's period. _One time I missed her class, she asked me to leave the classroom minutes before her tango test. I didn't want that to happen again and I didn't want Cassandra to dictate me what to do again. I just wanted to be in a place where I actually belonged, not getting bullied by my own dancing teacher. And I couldn't just give up on her class, it means I just gave up on my dream and _bye, bye, Broadway. _I didn't have time to say goodbye to Finn, but hopefully he would read my note to him.

I changed my red turtleneck and tartan skirt with my training clothes and I was so ready to study. I did some stretching, so I wouldn't get hurt while dancing and I tried to pick a dance partner before Cassandra picked it for me. If I wanted to stay in her class might as well I needed to play with her rule. Greg was also ready whenever Ms. July asked us to do the foxtrot.

The room was packed with students, but Cassandra wasn't in the room. It was 15 minutes later than the class was supposed to begin and she hadn't come. Cassandra always had good ways to make a big entrance, but being late wasn't one of them. I checked on the time – _17 minutes – _two minutes seemed like I had been waiting for ages. I asked every student where she was, but nobody seemed to know.

After minutes of waiting and hoping, the entrance creaked open. A man with athletic posture went inside, wearing all black. He came to where we were gathering. At first I acted as if I didn't know who he was, until I could see his face clearly and I gasped.

"_I'm Brody Weston and I'll be your substitute for today."_

•••••

I was shocked, clearly, _how could a student be a dancing teacher? _And _why would I be surprised to find Brody here? _I mean, he studied here and he didn't seem to be surprised to see me. We first met back when I still lived at the dorm and we shared the bathroom together. He gave me some advice on how to be confident and sexy, and that was it. I tried to stay away from him because he seemed to be so into me and I wasn't ready to be in a relationship after what Finn and I had been through. And now suddenly he came back to my life, which made my heart beat faster and my body was uncontrollable.

_That's love, love. You should enjoy it._

_You're in love with Brody Weston._

_You should get into his pants and ditch that Hudson kid behind._

I never wanted to get into anyone's pants and I didn't want to leave Finn for someone I barely knew. Now that Finn was in town, I wanted to fix things and possibly start all over again. And Brody was around to, which made me question my own choice.

Brody seemed to be dedicated with his work in educating. He looked like a pro and acted like a pro. "Okay, start right here with a plié and end over there! Come on, move! Move!" every student started to show their best ballet moves and I was encouraged to do the same thing. But by the time I started to bend my knee, suddenly Brody pulled my arm away from the line. It really hurt and I was kind of mad. "Except _you_. Cassandra told me you were a wimp and I think you need a private tutor session. Head's up!" Brody let me go and I do what he said. My body stood straight while Brody was trying to position my hands and legs the right way. He told me to hold the plié for as long as I could, so my move would be perfect. "You don't have to teach me ballet. I've been doing this since baby." I told Brody, but he laughed at me as if that was a joke. It was true, I did learn ballet since I was a little kid, but I think I was exaggerating it a bit. "Yeah, _I just want to spend more time with you," _I widened my eyes when I heard that. That was new, I think. Brody started to run his hand on my left knee to correct the way I bent and shockingly his finger ran to my thigh… and higher…

_God, that feels good, doesn't it? Tease him and I bet you'll get more._

No, I didn't want to get more. This was too much to handle and I didn't want anything to happen between us. So, I flinched and when Brody realized it, he got his hand off me. "I miss you, you know." Brody continued, while we were trying to do some moves I didn't realize I could actually do those. We danced together, arm-in-arm, I just let ourselves to move. He grabbed my waist and he threw me to the air. Brody couldn't just come to me and said he missed me. It was just plain wrong and he did that to get me into his charm.

_Stupid girl, choosing the small town boy with no dreams from the hot New Yorker._

_I'm not stupid! _I wish those voices had a switch so I could shut it off and never listened to it again. I wouldn't fall for Brody and never in a million years. Brody pulled me closer and my hands were holding his chest. His hands were on my waist and they went down… and down… _and down… "I have a boyfriend _and I won't fall for you, I'm sorry." I said it straight. Brody seemed disappointed with me. He said, "You're lying. You just want to avoid me, but guess what? Nothing can stop me from getting you." This whole thing was crap! I didn't sign up for some college love drama. And Brody was a douchebag, he didn't deserve a dust from me. I was so mad, my heart was boiling with rage and next thing I knew, _my hand landed on Brody's face. Really hard._

_And, so I ran._

_I ran as far as I could so no one would find me._

_Not even Brody._

_Not even Finn._

_I just wanted to be alone and GOD, JUST LET ME DIE…_

•••••

I spent the whole day pretty much by avoiding people, even Kurt. He tried to reach me, but I ran away. I felt the regret poisoned my body. I just wished I could think before I did anything. It was so stupid to slap on someone in front of so many people, stupid enough to make it to NYADA gossip. Thank God Brody didn't tell the Board about this, or else they would drop me out.

I found a really cool place here at NYADA last Friday. It was the college radio room, but it was separated into two sections; the airing room and the playlist heaven. The Heaven was filled with thousands of records from early twentieth century until now. They usually got the songs for the radio show from here, despite the fact that the technology was developing with the idea of online album. I usually went alone here, finding good records to listen to and played it from the gramophone by the corner of the room. I sang along, too, but not too loud so people wouldn't hear me. Whenever I was in the Heaven, I felt like I was the only one in the world (or that case, _afterlife)._

My latest obsession was (You Make Me Feel Like) a Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin. I secretly played the recording and just let myself flew away with the song.

'_Cause you make me feel_

_You make me feel_

_You make me feel like a natural woman_

When the music succeeded to soothe me and made me forget about the problems I had through, suddenly came another trouble. Somebody stopped the gramophone and when I looked, Brody was standing by the corner. My heart pounded hard, but I refused to care about it. "Look, I'm sorry for what I did to you. I didn't mean to, I swear. It's just… I haven't been stable lately and everything hits me like a hurricane for the past days." I explained everything to Brody. "Good, because I'm starting to worry about you." He wasn't in his training clothes anymore, instead he looked dashing in jeans jacket and denim pants. His hands were inside his pants pocket and he approached me. I felt a slight of relief knowing that Brody wasn't mad at me.

But, my panic attack began when Brody stood closer to me and caressed my cheek gently. It felt good, but it was so wrong. I wasn't supposed to feel this way for him, but every time I denied it the guilt came over and everything turned upside down. I locked my gaze at Brody while he was still rubbing my cheek. When he let go, Brody walked to the gramophone and played it again. "But, if there's anything I can do for you, I will be happy to help." Brody said.

_When my soul was in the lost and found_

_You came along to claim it_

Brody was standing an inch from me. So close, I could smell his sedating cologne. We couldn't take our eyes off each other, which came to a realization that I was hypnotized by him. my breath was uncontrollable and my knees turned to jelly. His face was coming closer to me and I couldn't back off, no, not this time. My body was paralyzed and it felt like the room was getting smaller.

_I didn't know what was wrong with me_

'_Til your kiss helped me name it_

We kissed. Brody and I kissed. It was long and passionate, like I had been longing for that kiss for so long. The kiss was made of hunger and fear of getting caught. I was sweating like I never sweated before. His lips were on mine, exploring everything inside me. He sure helped me name it; Betrayal, cheating, guilt… but my head was too busy to process all those three because that kiss felt like the sweetest betrayal.

•••••


	6. Chapter 6

I swallowed. Guilt. That was the only thing I felt and I hated it. Our lips entwined, his arms circled round my waist and I pulled away. What was I doing? It wasn't fair to him, or Finn.

"Brody, I can't." He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"Because of Finn?" He said in disbelief and I looked down, I heard him scoff and I looked at him. "Whatever Rachel." He said shaking his head before walking away. I sighed, all I ever did was hurt people and disappoint them.

_Maybe because you are a disappointment._

I shook my head to get rid of the voices before I started walking home.

* * *

I arrived home and saw Finn sat down on the couch, I slipped off my coat and shut the door.

"Where is everyone?" I asked softly and he didn't face me, he didn't even say anything. I frowned and walked over to him, sitting down beside him. "Finn?" I asked again and he turned to look at me but I could see the tear tracks on his cheeks and the sadness in his eyes.

"How could you?" I swallowed and furrowed my eyebrows.

"I don't understand?" I asked but I had an idea what he was going on about. I was just too scared to believe it.

"You kissed him Rachel." He said and the sadness in his voice broke my heart. I could feel tears brim in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry Finn." I said as tears started to fall and I heard him sob. Oh god, what have I done?

"Do you really hate me that much?" He asked and I shook my head grabbing his hand, flinching when he pulled away.

"No. Of course not, you are amazing. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm so sorry." I sobbed and he looked me in the eyes.

"And the worst part is, I still love you so much." He said as tears fell down both our faces and I wrapped my arms around him as he sobbed into my shoulder, his own arms wrapping around my waist.

"I'm so lucky that you still do. I love you so much Finn." I sobbed and he kissed my neck softly before moving his lips to mine. Our lips met in a passionate kiss and he moaned softly. His tongue begging for entrance to which I obliged as our tongues met. I straddled him and started to grind against him, feeling his growing erection underneath me.

"Rach…" He whispered and his hand came to rest underneath my shirt, his thumb rubbing against my skin. The electricity that flowed was the best thing ever. I took off my shirt and he stared at me. I became self-conscious and was going to put my shirt back on but he shook his head stopping me.

"No don't, youre beautiful." I kissed him more urgently this time as he unhooked my bra and my nipples became taught in the air. His thumb flicked over my nipple and I moaned loudly.

"So good." I moaned louder when his mouth captured my nipple and he sucked lightly. I stood up and pulled him to my room before kneeling down and pulling down his pants. I saw his tent in his boxers and he blushed. I smiled and pulled them down revealing his large erection. I bit my lip at the sight and ran my tongue down his shaft, earning a loud cry of pleasure and I smirked before taking him into my mouth and I began to blow him. His hands wrapped in my hair, his eyes shut and loud moans coming out of his mouth. I hummed and felt pre cum enter my mouth.

"Fuck… Rach, I'm gonna…" He trailed off as he shot his load down my throat crying out loudly. I swallowed it and stood up, smiling softly. He ran his hand down my face and smiled

"That was amazing." He said before kissing me. I wrapped my around his neck as he chucked me onto the bed and spread my legs apart. I bit my lip as he pulled down my trousers and panties. The cool breeze hitting my area and I rubbed my thighs together, moaning. He smirked and ran his finger down my slit, earning a squeal from me. He smirked and dove in, his tongue licking me all over and sucking on my clit. My eyes fell into the back of my head as I moaned loudly and my hips lifted off the bed. His tongue continued licking my slit as his finger entered me. I cried out at the contact and he started to move his finger in and out.

"Harder, faster." I panted and he obliged and it was becomingto much.

"Cum for me baby…" He whispered and I cried out as I climaxed and my juices lapped his tongue and fingers before he pulled out and sucked them clean. I lay still panting for a moment trying to get my breath back that I didn't realise he had lifted me and put me under the covers. Finn slid in next to me and I faced him.

"That was…" He smirked and shrugged.

"Well you know." I smiled before looking guilty.

"Finn..." He knew what I was going to start again and he shook his head.

"Rach, let's just forget it. As long as you promise you will never do that again." I nodded certainly and laid my head onto his chest, his fingers running through my hair.

"I love you." I said softly and I could hear his smile.

"I love you too." He kissed my head and I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the only man I love.

* * *

I awoke to shouting and frowned when I didn't feel Finn next to me but that's when I heard him.

"Kurt this is a joke!" He shouted and I frowned putting on one of Finn's shirts and my underwear before listening without being seen.

"Finn, I'm being deadly serious! She needs help, the Rachel I know wouldn't just go round kissing her ex boyfriends!" I swallowed and shook my head. I did not need help.

"I understand that she has problems but this isn't going to solve anything!" Finn shouted and I heard silence.

"Fine. Then she cant stay here anymore." I paled at that and I heard Santana step in.

"Kurt, I think this is going to far." She said and I walked out then. All eyes turned to me.

"Rach, just go back to bed." Finn said with pleading eyes and I shook my head.

"Kurt, you want me to leave? Why?" I said crossing my arms and he looked at me.

"Because I don't even know who you are anymore. You need professional help." I rolled my eyes.

"I do not need-"

"Yes you do! You need help badly!" He shouted and I was shocked because he never shouted.

"Just leave me alone!" I screamed before running into the bathroom and locked the door, sliding down it in tears.

"Well done." Finn said glaring at Kurt before knocking on the door, frantically. "Rach, babe open the door." I heard him say and I shook my head looking down at the blood pouring out my new cut. I slid the razor against my wrist creating a new one. Deeper this time.

"Rach please!" I heard him say and I slumped forward as my consciousness started to slip and the white tiles started to stain a red colour. I heard the door open.

"Oh my god Rach." He said cradling me in his arms as tears began to fall down his face and he started to sob.

"Rachel, what have you done?" He sobbed and I heard Santana crying too. I saw Kurt with his hand over his mouth and my eyes slipped.

"Don't worry the ambulance is on its way." Kurt said and he rubbed my arm I felt myself dazing off and the last thing I heard before slipping unconscious was Finn's voice whispering '_I love you.'_


	7. Chapter 7

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* * *

Rachel, Kurt, Santana, and I finally arrived at the hospital sooner than we expected. Kurt drove my car with Santana while I was accompanying Rachel along the way inside the ambulance. She was still unconscious and I was worried that if I didn't take her immediately, I would lose Rachel's life.

Rachel's face was pale as a ghost and her breathing was slow. The nurse had cleaned Rachel's blood off her hands and she was trying to press a bag on her wound a few times as we made it through the hospital hallway. I could see the scars she made, each of them carving every inch of her wrist. There were deep scars and also slight scars. There was one scar on her left wrist that almost cut off her vein. How could Rachel do this to herself? What kind of problem was Rachel going through until she could put her own life on the edge of a cliff? And _God, _I was such a bad boyfriend! How could I let her do this to herself? Why couldn't I stop her from cutting herself, creating scars on her beautiful skin?

And the worst part is

_Why didn't I notice this from the start?_

Oh God, how could I be so blind and numb? If I were a good boyfriend, I should've known her problems from the start and tried to fix everything — making her feel better.

Kurt shouldn't say that to Rachel. She wasn't sick, she just needed help. She didn't deserve to be treated like an asylum patient — _she needs to be loved — _but I hadn't given her the love she deserved.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you have to wait in the waiting room." A nurse said when she was about to close the ER. I held the door and said, "But I'm her family, I just need to know if she is okay." "She is and she will as soon as the doctor takes care of her. Now if you'll excuse me." It was too late for me to stop the nurse, she already got into the room and I was all alone, haunted by undetermined fate on Rachel's life.

No longer after that, Kurt and Santana came. I was still furious with what happened at the loft that I couldn't control the demon inside of me. I took Kurt's collar with both hands and pinned him on the wall really hard. I could hear Kurt's head hitting the wall and he groaned with pain, but still I kept doing the stupidity I was doing. "YOU! IF YOU DIDN'T ASK HER TO GO SEEK MENTAL HELP, SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A BREAKDOWN AND END UP LIKE THIS!" I didn't know who I was anymore. I attacked my brother for saying what was right because I was busy defending Rachel's sanity. I just couldn't picture Rachel wearing all-white, living alone in a small room while going through thousands of treatments God knew for how long. "FINN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! IF SHE DOESN'T GET ANY HELP, SHE WON'T SURVIVE. YOU DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, DO YOU? STOP DENYING THE REALITY AND MAN UP, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Kurt, my brother, who was always very gentle and pure as a newborn soul, screamed right on my face. His words shot right through me, _I needed to stop denying things. _And I had to stop being such a jerk and start dealing things like a man. But still, a man in his vulnerable phase couldn't hide himself from sorrow, and then cry.

I loosened the grip on Kurt's collar and kneeled down. _I cried. _It had been a long time ago since the last time I cried — and this time, it was the worst. Kurt sat down and hugged me. He patted my shoulder and said, "It's going to be alright, big guy. Shh... Shh... Rachel will be fine." But still, I sobbed like a mad man. I saw Santana was standing by the corner, didn't want to get involved in this drama. I glanced at her and I could see tears streaming down her face too, but she was smart enough to cover her crying by biting her bottom lip.

Kurt was right and I didn't want to cause more trouble, not after the security came to us and told us to cut it down. The three of us sat down in front of the ER. I couldn't stop worrying about Rachel, _hell, _my head was full of her. Kurt was also silent. We didn't speak much, not after what happened. Maybe we could need some silent treatment. After all, I didn't want to lead us to another fight just by saying one word. Santana didn't say a word either. She probably though silent was golden.

And as the clock ticked and the sky was getting dark, Kurt, Santana, and I waited for the doctor to come out and tell us that Rachel gained her consciousness...

•••••

_"Finn... Woke up, she's awake now."_

I dozed off while waiting for Rachel struggling for her life in the emergency room. Santana's voice woke me up and I was alert immediately. _Rachel, awake? Oh thank God. _I was grateful that Rachel was still alive. We weren't too late to safe her. I rubbed the sleepiness off my face and asked, "Whe-where is she now? How's she doing?" I was too excited to hear the news, but Santana soothed me down. "She's still in the room, but the doctor finally allows us to go inside. Come on, Kurt's inside already with her." Santana held my hand and dragged me into the emergency room. That was when my heart stopped pumping and my lips were too dry to speak. I couldn't pick great dictions to utter, because I always thought my words would hurt Rachel's feeling. But, my feet couldn't stop walking and we were getting closer to the entrance.

_As we opened the door, Santana and I entered the emergency room..._

•••••

The room was illuminated with little trace of light. The curtain that led to Rachel's bed was half opened. I only could see her hand settling on the edge of the bed. I saw her hair, but not her face. The beep sound of the heart monitor was the only voice I could hear. Despite the fact that the room was very silent, my head was filled with words I'd say to her.

Santana and I walked to Rachel's bed. We finally took our hands off by the door. Rachel looked very weak. Her face still looked ill, but at least it wasn't pale like before. She was wearing the hospital robe with a comforter covering her belly down to the bottom. Rachel was closing her eyes, but I knew she wasn't sleeping — a kind of 'Rachel Berry's magic' she usually put people on trick, but never on me. Some of Rachel's scars had faded away, but the new ones were the most obvious to see. Every time I glanced at those cuts, I couldn't help but die inside. Kurt was there beside her, eyes tracing at me while his hands were holding Rachel's left hand. Kurt was still mad at me, I guess. His face didn't welcome me there, but somehow we were here because of one reason and we couldn't let one fight between brothers stopped us from doing what we wanted — to be here with Rachel. Kurt leaned in his face to Rachel's ear and he audibly whispered, "Rach, Finn's here." Kurt stood up and let me replace him.

I sat on the chair where Kurt sat first, then I began, "Rachel," I choked "It's me. Would you let me see those beautiful eyes, Rach, please? It's been awhile since the last time I saw them." I waited for a moment until Rachel opened her sparkling dark eyes. "H-hey, I... I'm glad that you're awake now," I continued, smiling "And seeing you alive is very wonderful."

_"I thought you wanted to see me die."_

That was the first sentence Rachel uttered to me. I was shocked, practically spooked out by the way she said it. Why would she think about dying? That wasn't the Rachel _I _knew. "I just don't want to lose you," I cleared my throat "Especially after what you've done to yourself. I'm sorry if I'm not here with you from the start, I'm sorry I can't give you the love you deserve, I'm sorry —" "Shh, we've been through this, alright?" Rachel put out her index finger and rested it on my lips, hushing me. "It's not you, it's just... _It's much bigger than just a love story dilemma. _But, I'm still not ready to tell you because... I'm still not even ready to accept the situation. I hope you understand, Finn."

There was something deep inside Rachel's voice. Something that was so psychologically deep, as if she was persuading me to see inside her eyes to know about everything. I nodded, "Yes, just take your time. But if you need me, I will _always _be here for you." I smiled, but my heart was still hurting from seeing Rachel's condition. Rachel smiled faintly which made me a little glad.

I thought it would be the best for Rachel to take a rest. She looked like forcing a big amount of energy in talking. "You should take a rest and sleep. Don't forget to eat," I looked at a food tray next to her bed "And if you need something, call the nurse or me. I won't leave you." Rachel nodded understandingly. I got up and planted a kiss on Rachel's lips — it still tasted like heaven and lullaby — then Kurt, Santana, and I went out, leaving Rachel to sleep and heal.

•••••

It didn't take long until the doctor finally let Rachel to go home. Rachel was finally back at the loft, but I told her to stay at home for a day before she did her daily activities. I took care of Rachel and helped her whenever she needed one. I made Rachel breakfast, phoned delivery service for lunch, and had takeouts for dinner. I didn't want to let Rachel off my guard, because the last time I did I almost lost her.

One time, Rachel asked me to sit next to her while having breakfast. "Hey," Rachel said, still pinned on the bed "After I recover, I'd like to take you somewhere. The last time we went out together, I blew it off. Now, I just want to pay everything for you." I chuckled. Our first meeting in New York was a disaster, but somehow I've forgot about it. Rachel was probably just shocked to see me, that's why she freaked out. "Well, I'd love to," I reply "Where would you want to take me?" Rachel made her funny thinking face. She rolled her eyes and answered, "Hmm... _I haven't thought about it yet, but wherever it is, it's a surprise._" Rachel winked at me. This was the longest time she ever smiled at me since the first time I got here.

I couldn't wait for what kind of surprise Rachel would give me. Was it like the one I took her to Sardi's? Anyway, it was worth to wait and I had my heart pumping fast just by thinking about it.

3 days later, I was sitting on the couch when Rachel went home after college ended. To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted to do in New York besides taking care of Rachel. Rachel wasn't a baby and I needed to have a new activity, but my mind was still recovering after the drama that I had gone through for the past weeks. Rachel kissed my cheek while I was reading today's newspaper. I imagined there would be a time when Rachel Berry-Hudson would do that after she went home from her Broadway shows — kissed her husband's cheek, made a cup of tea — and I would give her anything in this world. "Are you ready for our night out together?" Rachel asked me. I was sure as hell ready from a long time ago, but instead I replied, "Yes, I am," I closed the newspaper and put it down on the table, then Rachel snuggled inside my embrace as she rested her head on my chest. "Is this what you told me as the 'surprise'? Have you decided which place are we going to?" I asked, caressing her soft brunette locks gently. Rachel nodded, a smile curled on her face, "Oh, you remember! Yes and wear something nice because I will turn you to be a true New Yorker for a night." I didn't know what she meant by that, but I was so excited that I got to spend more decent time with Rachel _just like we used to. _Rachel jumped off the couch and tapped my knee excitedly, "_Chop chop! _We'd better get going before the traffic's being an ass. But first, I'll change my clothes." Rachel walked into her room. When she reached the door, she looked at me, still procrastinating on the couch. I thought she was going to scowl me, but Rachel said, "Oh, and I've moved your stuff in here. You can change your clothes inside." And winked flirtaciously. Rachel could be very sexually appealing these days and I was very grateful that she was my girlfriend.

I came into Rachel's room. It was nothing like her old yellow bedroom back in Lima with floral bed sheets and a collection of her favorite musicals. Here, Rachel was a mature woman, transitioning to be the citizen of New York City. I found Rachel was picking out her clothes. She didn't wear something formal, only her classic long sleeves red dress that fit her body so well and a matching beret. When she was about to open her coat, Rachel looked surprised to see me and I realized that I shouldn't be there. I turned around and tried not to look at Rachel while she was sliding down her skirt. "Finn, chill. It's not like you haven't seen me naked." Rachel was right, I ain't no stranger to her after all.

But still, I couldn't just stare at Rachel changing her clothes because it would lead to a fantasy my uncontrollable hormone created. I remained on my position until I could hear Rachel seductively whispered, "Finn," I turned around again, this time I let my eyes wandering all over her body. Rachel was wearing nothing but her bra and underwear. Everything about Rachel was beautiful. The curves of her body, her smile from ear to ear, her long wavy hair that I always mesmerized. Her skin was so soft like cottons and her breath smelled heavenly.

Rachel came closer to me, her eyes was focusing on me. She draped her hands on my neck and pecked kisses on my lips. It was adorable to see Rachel tiptoeing so she could reach my neck, that way I could lift her up with my hands. The kiss started gently, then passionately. I let Rachel's tongue enter my mouth and we wrestled our tongues together inside. I put my hands on her waist, sliding down to her hips then ass. Somehow Rachel had a really good fun by biting my lips, which I found very sexy.

We walked to the bed, jumping onto the mattress, as our lips were still touching and the heat in our bodies was tensing. I trailed my lips to the side of Rachel's neck and kissed it. She let out a few moans, which aroused me to do more. We kissed some more, but before further things happened, our lips parted. "We'd better get dressed fast before it's too late." She was right and I didn't want to get carried away. So, I took whatever the outfit I found in my luggage and headed to the bathroom to dress.

It was the human nature that made men dressed up faster than women. I went out from the bathroom, wearing my denim jacket and jeans, and waited by the couch. Rachel took so long to get her hair and makeup done, I could snack me some popcorn while waiting for her. Then, the moment came – for the billionth times, Rachel wowed me. Rachel wore a long-sleeves red dress down to her knees with matching heels and a red beret hat. She let her wavy hair flew with the wind as she took her step to me.

"What do you think?" Rachel asked me.

Everything was perfect except her beret hat which didn't suit her well. So, I ran my hair through Rachel's hair, then took the beret off. I threw the beret to the couch. She awed at first, but then she understood why. "Oh, I remember this jacket!" Rachel said as she grabbed the sleeve of my jacket "Freshman year, _you stole my heart while wearing this jacket." _I furrowed and got her fact right, "I thought I stole your heart in my letterman." Rachel serenaded me with her angelic laugh, "Yeah, yeah, I'll get my facts right better next time."

I thought it was the best for both of us to go. I offered my arm to Rachel and she took it, then we headed out to face our date night tonight.

•••••

I believed tonight was made for Rachel and I. The traffic wasn't that crowded and Rachel gave me the directions that led us to…

_The Empire State Building._

We bought our tickets and went up to the 102nd floor, where the highest observation deck was there. It was almost 11 am on a weekday, which meant there were less tourist rolling around in the building but we both weren't completely alone. The last elevator was two hours away, so we still had more time to enjoy the night. "So, _this _is your surprise?" I asked and Rachel nodded. As we exited the elevator, we both ran to the observation window like little children. "Look! We can see New York and other 4 states from here. I've been here twice since the day I got to New York and I never get enough! It's so cool." _"And beautiful, just like you." _The words just came out of my mouth and Rachel seemed clearly heard it. She glanced at me and her cheeks were blushing. I stood behind Rachel's back so close, like the moon and the star.

"So, you've been to the Empire State twice but never get enough. _Too unsatisfied?"_

"_Too lonely."_

I held Rachel on her back as we enjoyed the miraculous magic of the night. After everyone went down and we were both the only people in the room, we sat on the floor and cuddled each other. It was a pretty cold night and the atmosphere was so romantic that we get carried away. I hugged Rachel and never let go. Never let go, because if I did I might lose her.

"Finn, how do we stop the time so this will last forever?" Rachel asked.

"We can't, but we carve it in our minds," I answered _"And girl, what a beautiful sculpture the memory will be."_

•••••


End file.
